Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Don't Judge a Book By Its Cover.. I am an IRONMAN!

Writing this post is quite frankly the scariest thing I have ever done!  But I feel it needs to be said!

I am a real woman, with a real body, real body issues, and a real accomplishment to share.  Body image is plaguing us, both young and old alike.  We are afraid to share our bodies, we are afraid to do things because of 'how we look.'  I have numerous friends who say they love to swim but 'No one wants to see me in a bathing suit."  It breaks my heart, so I am finally  putting this out there.

I started writing this blog 6 years ago. I named it "FatGirl's Ironman Journey" because I identified with being fat and there's a little tongue in cheek humor on it based on how Triathlon classifies larger athletes.   I've had so many conversations about "FAT", it is a bad word to some, it is an excuse to some, it is a demon of some, and it is a word that I am not afraid of, I am embracing "FATGIRL"

I have wanted to write a post like this for years but honestly, it's scary. I know there will be haters, and I know this will encourage others so I'm doing it.    I've been yelled at: "did you call this fatgirl to just get attention.".. uh no? no one told you to read my blog :).  

Today I weighed 170 lbs.  I am 5' tall!  Yes that puts me in the obese category.  I am not the biggest women ever, I'm also not so small.   I haven't lost hundreds of pounds, I am in awe of those folks! You guys are awesome.  I get looks of "shuttup" from some larger women, they say "you're not fat, cut it out"- but I am, and it's ok.

  I find my self defending 'you're not fat.' I'm like 'hello? you should see me without the spanx or just in a bikini top."  I don't strive to look like one of the Olsen twins, I just don't want to FEEL fat anymore.   I also just recently found myself saying the SAME thing to a friend who I think is beautiful and well, SKINNY.  She isn't happy either, she's had a couple children and said "I'd like to keep that other stupid 5lbs off." I immediately went to the "you are not fat, really are you on the 'overweight or obese line in the health scale?" - wow I'm a jerk.  I thought about it after and  she has a right to feel uncomfortable just like I do.  I think until society makes a little plumpness more the 'norm' we will all have these issues, and we need to stick together.

I am a story of persistence, and of acceptance.  I bounce between 150-170.  I don't really lose weight.  I have tried just about every fad diet, diet meds, nutritionists. Things like Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, or just tracking calories.  I've tried prescription diet pills and even the OTC scary ones that had ephedra in them. I quietly sat by and did these things to my body without letting anyone know my struggles.  I am so sad about what lengths women and girls are going through 'lose weight' like the cotton ball diet? ugh!    There is a point where so many folks just throw in the towel and just binge eat.

I never lose weight, I was always 'fat'. People say I don't "look" fat, that's good!  I can dress! My crazy outfits are on purpose. A well placed design on a bike shirt hides rolls I don't want to see.  This is the same day as the top picture!

I am almost to a point  of acceptance. I mean I did an Ironman and I'm still fat, that means..guess what, my body wants to be here!  I'd like my pants to fit, I'd like to not be horrified at the 'wrong angle' picture.  I'd like to wear a form fitting shirt.  I doubt any of those things will happen!

What I have to do now is realize, yea so what, I'm fat... but I AM AN IRONMAN!

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